I am the girl running in heels she hasn’t learned to walk in yet. Clumsy, straggling, and probably going to break something but still going. I am late, but also somehow right on time. I had a meeting right before this and I have an event after. I figure that if I go to bed now I will get about 7 hours of sleep assuming I do not get woken up during the night and my body wakes me at sunrise like it usually does. For lunch, I will make a chicken salad, but no crackers because I had those plantain chips earlier. I want to create this new dance for a Halloween performance. I am thinking something creepy, dark, sexy, and with some dope beat drops. I spent three hours today trying to find a song-- I still haven’t found it. I am in this creative rut. Like I want to make things, but when I actually do, I hate all of it. Wait, what?! I have to write an essay by Tuesday? I am doing this performance gig. I honestly am not vibing with it. Every time I am there, I am like “why am I here?” but it’s cool cuz I am getting paid so whatever. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend all the time-- is that bad? I should really clean my house. I mean it’s clean, but not like clean clean. I turn 22 next Sunday. I want to do something fun but do I have time? Ugh. I am so tired. How do they do it? How do they keep going? Why do I feel so fatigued all the time? Is something wrong with me? I feel so pathetic. I really truly want to care, but I don’t have the energy for it. I just need to get it done. Just show up. Okay, I am here. I am here. Wait. Where am I?
“...maybe it doesn’t matter.”